The Soak of the Year

When you look annoyed all the time people think you're busy.

Monthly Archives: April 2011

Cheap beer!

The Soak of the Year loves cheap beers and we’re always on the lookout for our next inexpensive high. Thankfully our friends at Deadspin, in particular Drew Magary, help us find these beers. Each week during the (American) football season Magary’s NFL Dick Joke Jambaroo goes to the readers for a Cheap Beer of the Week and the section is a true bumper crop of, well, cheap beers.

So The Soak of the Year is going to mine this treasure trove and bring to you, loyal readers, outtakes from the Cheap Beer of the Week. No guarantees on the regularity of this feature. We only guarantee cheap booze. Thank us in the comments.


Cheap Beer Of The Week

BLANCO BASURA! Reader Jon submits this delightful import:

This stuff is sold in 5-pack form, in a lunchbox-styled box with a handle and everything. The name is mangled Spanish for “White Trash”, yet the product is proudly made in Mexico and the packaging is colored like the Mexican flag. Like i said, it comes in a 5-pack, with the missing 6th beer actually being a bottle of tequilla. The box boasts “5 beers and 5 shots,” and even comes with a cheap little shot glass for quicker consumption. This shit is classic, costs like 9 bucks for 5 beers and a bottle….. the best part though, is the mascot of the company, which is basically the silhouette of a 3-legged dog.

If it’s good enough for a three-legged dog, then by gar it’s good enough for me. I MUST HAVE IT. The tequila, by the way, is fifty times more terrifying than the beer itself. There’s no way that tequila wasn’t made from embalming fluid. My head is spinning just looking at it.


Weeeee!

Please stick around until the :45 mark. You can fast forward to the 2:35 mark to see the revival.

Hater’s Guide to the Time 100 Most Influential

Time recently published their list of 100 most influential people in the world. Arbitrary lists like this deserve arbitrary hate – and this blog is up to the task. See the list below and our quick dismissal of each person on it. Enjoy…

Wael Ghonim – some Google guy who helped Egypt get free. Actually he just created a Facebook group and got arrested.

Joseph Stiglitz – predicted a handful of economic shitstorms that went on to occur anyway. Obviously no one cares about his opinion or we would at least have avoided one of them.

Reed Hastings – created Netflix, a company that will disappear in a few years.

Amy Poehler – not many people actually watch this show and she’ll be forgotten soon.

Geoffrey Canada – it states that “Canada is driven by a deep belief that all children can succeed, regardless of race, wealth or ZIP code.” This guy is foolish, naive or both.

Mark Zuckerberg – he’s a douche (so says that movie) and Facebook is turning into a home of advertising and branding that people just use as a cheap version of Flickr that can post videos.

Peter Vesterbacka – he created Angry Birds. So he’s the Allan Alcorn of 2011. There’s a reason why you don’t know who Alcorn is. Hint: he’s inconsequential.

Angela Merkel – okay, she’s pretty influential. Except that her party lost in regional elections and her grand coalition isn’t all that effective.

Julian Assange – he’s going to jail soon, never to be seen again.

Ron Bruder – he educates a few thousand people in the Middle East each year. The rest do their learning in madrassas. Hopeless task.

Lamido Sanusi – Nigeria’s central banker. Countdown to corruption charges/allegations starts now…

Colin Firth – he’s an actor. Enough said.

Amy Chua – crazy Chinese parent. Mother of our future overlords.

Joe Biden – this guy has written yours truly a few letters. Obviously has nothing important to do if he can spend time doing that.

Jennifer Egan – a writer of fiction so she won’t be influential until she’s long dead.

Kim Clijsters – female tennis player that is good but not a sexpot, so she’s irrelevant.

Ahmed Shuja Pasha – head of Pakistan’s ISI (intel agency and the true power in the country). Marked for death by all kinds of different people/groups. Good luck with that, Ahmed.

Aung San Suu Kyi – democracy activist in Burma. Hopeless.

Cory Booker – mayor of Newark, NJ. Hopeless.

Gabrielle Giffords – probably a little soon to hate on her. Her time will come to be hated upon by TSOTY.

Katsunobu Sakurai – Japanese politician that (a) isn’t the scion of a powerful family and (b) isn’t the head of one of the conglomerates; ergo, has no power or influence.

Michelle Obama – people are too busy talking about her nice arms to listen to anything else about/from her.

Paul Ryan – no one is really taking his ideas seriously. Widow’s peak is too pronounced.

Ai Weiwei – Chinese artist who has “spoken out for victims of government abuses, calling for political reforms to better serve the people.” He’s got NO shot. Actually, he’s already in prison – lolz.

Rob Bell – American evangelical pastor. Countdown to corruption/gay secks allegations starts now…

Fathi Terbil – Libyan lawyer that showed bravery. He’ll be dead soon.

Dilma Rousseff – President of Brazil. Will soon suffer international humiliation with failures of Olympics and World Cup.

Tom Ford – apparently this guy is just a great friend. Thanks for wasting our time, Rita Wilson.

Liang Guanglie – head of China’s military and the father of our future overlords.

Sue Savage-Rumbaugh – homeless woman’s Jane Goodall.

Takeshi Kanno – foolish, brave and soon cancer-ridden Japanese aid worker.

Nicolas Sarkozy – he’s gonna be voted out soon.

Michele Bachmann – complete loon that is good for punchlines.

Saad Mohseni – he’s “the most influential media figure in Afghanistan,” so he’ll be dead soon.

Chris Christie – too fat.

Matthew Weiner – he’s a TV writer.

Lisa Jackson – runs the EPA so whatever she does will be undone by the next Republican president.

Jean-Claude Trichet – he’s going to retire this year. So he’ll soon lose all relevance. Probably eats frog legs.

Justin Bieber – Leif Garrett, Bay City Rollers, NKOTB, etc.

Prince William and Kate Middleton – they matter this week (to women) only until they die in some yacht accident off the coast of some place that only the disgustingly wealthy know about.

Joe Scarborough – can’t handle actually being in politics so he’s a shit talker on a network few watch.

Blake Lively – hot, young. Soon to be replaced and forgotten by the next hot, young thing.

Hillary Clinton – has real influence. Will be leaving her influential job soon.

Muqtada al-Sadr – influence in Iraq. So he has no real influence.

Anwar al-Awlaki – just another loon that hates America. Not even at the head of that long line. Fail.

Kim Jong Un – fatass in a land of the starving. What a jerk, yssssss.

Saif al-Islam Gaddafi – soon to be dead or exiled.

Hassan Nasrallah – he has influence. Until Israel decides to kill him.

Nathan Wolfe – he’s trying to find/stop the next super disease yet he almost died of malaria, a disease “as infected humans for over 50,000 years.” Perhaps you’ve overlooked a disease, chief.

Oprah Winfrey – hit her peak as a punchline in Austin Powers #1.

Sergio Marchionne – runs Fiat and Chrysler. Just resign now.

Mahendra Singh Dhoni – he plays cricket. No one really cares except subject of the former British Empire.

Felisa Wolfe-Simon – scientist famous for possibly spurious finding.

Esther Duflo – economist that’s trying to make the world a better place. Couldn’t be more bored with her.

Rain – fan’s choice so he must suck.

Larry Page – next Bill Gates. So we’ve seen this act before.

Mia Wasikowska – an actress, so why she’s on this list is beyond me.

David Cameron – Brits don’t really like him and he’ll be voted out when Labour finds someone that’s a little more than mediocre.

John Lasseter – entertains children which put him on par with stuffed animals and shiny things.

Maria Bashir – female prosecutor in Afghanistan. Countdown to her murder starts now…

Mukesh Ambani – Indian top businessman. Good for him.

Chris Colfer – actor on a weekly televised pop musical. About as uninfluential as they get.

Major General Margaret Woodward – military woman in a man’s world. Did you ever see GI Jane? Woodward’s not really like her at all but that movie sucked anyway.

Bruno Mars – talentless hack. Have you listened to the crap he creates? Makes my damn blood boil.

David and Charles Koch – filthy rich dicks. Plus they pronounce their name “coke” which is just unnecessary and probably something they do because they’re rich dicks.

Hung Huang – Chinese fashion mogul that was Mao’s English tutor. Obviously has all kinds of connections so she’s probably just an insider and talentless.

General David Petraeus – military boss running hopeless wars and will soon run the CIA which is, and has always been, a complete shambles organization of fools.

Matt Damon and Gary White – can’t even bother with this nitwit. Also I don’t know who Gary White is and can’t be bothered to read about him. Is he the new Ben Affleck or some shit?

Cecile Richards – runs Planned Parenthood. Target of hate for half of the country.

George R.R. Martin – writes stories for the 10-sided dice crowd. Obviously spending his time well.

Marine Le Pen – French right wing scion. Hates immigrants, global business, progress.

Grant Achatz – a cook?! Bahahahahaha!

Feisal Abdul Rauf – a religious moderate in a world of psychos and madmen. Good luck, buddy.

El Général – a Tunisian rapper. If you can read that and not laugh, I applaud you.

Jamie Dimon – Wall St. fatcat. Countdown to everyone hating him starts now…

Heidi Murkoff – wrote a book about pregnancy. Something we’ve been taking care of since the beginning of our species. Next she’s writing a book on how to breathe and sleep.

Sting – fey music. Should publicize his sexual exploits more as that’d get more respect.

Jonathan Franzen – writes one book every 10 years. Obviously lazy.

V.S. Ramachandran – he’s mapping the brain. Big whoop.

Michelle Rhee – she just got her boss fired and is trying to reform education. Hopeless task anyway.

Mark Wahlberg – should’ve stuck to music.

Rebecca Eaton – she runs PBS’ Masterpiece Theater. Laughable.

Xi Jinping – China’s next top dog. Probably hates freedom, individual thought and people. Great guy otherwise.

Kathy Giusti – funnels tons of cash to big Pharma.

Arianna Huffington – content recycler and slave laborer. Awful accent as well.

Barack Obama – birth certificate faker.

Lionel Messi – sucked at the World Cup.

Azim Premji – philanthropist and businessman. Probably corrupt.

Aruna Roy – fighting for change in India. Yay for her.

Ray Chambers – trying to cure malaria by passing out nets. Not exactly a genius.

Scott Rudin – helps write movies.

John Boehner – should go with ‘boner’ pronunciation. Also, name the Speaker of the House prior to Nancy Pelosi. Can’t? In fact, name another SOTH other than Gingrich. That’s because they’re not important and they serve to be the ringleaders in the circus of idiots that is the US House of Representatives.

Derrick Rossi – done some work with stem cells. Hasn’t actually done anything of substance.

Hu Shuli – Chinese investigative journalist. See Ai Weiwei.

Benjamin Netanyahu – right wing nut yahoo (see what I did there?) that stirs up trouble.

Ayman Mohyeldin – a journalist that has already had his moment.

Charles Chao – leads China’s version of Twitter. State-run nonsense.

Bineta Diop – female reformer/development person in Africa. Another hopeless case.

Dharma Master Cheng Yen – the Dalai Lama with a business. Seems like a paradox and I don’t like the sound it that.

Patti Smith – you’ve got to be kidding me. Top 5 ugliest people of all time.

Epileptic Awesome

I love musical visualizations.  You know, those computer-generated animations where you can actually see the music?
Without going all Pink Floyd on you, it’s rare to find choreographed videos that sync up perfectly with the music behind them.  Automatic visualizers are a dime a dozen (iTunes, Windows Media Player, Winamp, etc.), but great, spot-on videos are still hard to come by.
Don’t get me wrong, automatic visualizers are still pretty cool with the right settings, but the animations below make them seem cheap in comparison.

So, put on some headphones, turn it up and enjoy!

MUTEMATH – Reset

Autechre – Gantz Graf

Venetian Snares – Szamár Madár

The Firmament: Constellation (Ion The Prize)
This final one is awesomely nerdy.  Not really abstract, but it’s too funny to pass up.  I saw some Animusic stuff at a hotel while staying in Vegas, and it blew me away.
Animusic – Starship Groove

Still here?  Do you want to see people do this sort of thing instead of inanimate objects and oscilloscopes?  Check these guys and gals out.

La Preuve Par 4

Spencer Hawes. The most poster-ized man in the NBA?

Well, the Philadelphia 76ers will be closing out their playoff series with the Miami Heat tonight by losing.

Now, we know what you’re thinking.  This game is not worth watching since they have no shot, the Heat are annoying, and the NBA is fixed anyway.  (Want proof of that?  The foul discrepancy in the series, as mentioned below, is in Miami’s favor by 22!)

Alternately, some of you may be thinking, “I live in Chicago, why the hell would I be watching the 76ers?  What are the 76ers?  Why am I reading this?”.

Anyway.

We knew the Sixers had no shot at this from the beginning.  Mostly because they are not talented enough.  But also because of the proclivity of NBA officials to call a foul if somebody looks at Lebron James the wrong way and to “let them play on” if a lesser player is dragged across the court and gang raped.  (Ok. That’s probably going a little far.)

After all, we can’t have 3 members of NBA marquee talent ousted by a team that starts Spencer Hawes.  Nobody is gonna buy a poster of that guy.  Well, maybe if he just happens to be in someone else’s poster…

Fortunately, the good folks at LIBERTY BALLERS have taken the liberty (I just couldn’t help it.) of creating a drinking game to help us slog through this final chapter of the first Doug Collins season.
Posted below is their addendum for the playoffs. THE ORIGINAL GAME CAN BE FOUND HERE.
Enjoy drunks.

Sixers/Heat Game Five Drinking Game Addendums

Sharone_wright_sixers_tiny by Michael Levin on Apr 27, 2011 10:38 AM PDT in 2011 NBA Playoffs

Drink....

Most of you are already familiar with the Official Liberty Ballers Drinking Game, which can be seen and read in it’s entirety here. And while I had planned on putting up a few additional rules before the playoffs started, I reconsidered because it could be seen as a gateway to depression if I’m forcing you to drink after each loss. But now that the Sixers have won a game, that’s all out the window!

In honor of the fifth (and possibly last) game of this series, here are five brand spanking new addendums to the drinking game we’ve been enjoying since November:

1. Whenever LeBron James flexes on camera, down a 40.

Teenage girls feel the need to smile like there’s no tomorrow every time their friend shoves a point-and-shoot camera in their direction. LeBron makes a muscle, which is the male equivalent. He’s the guy who would show his guns whenever the jib swings around after the commercial at a WWE event. Cool, LeBron. In your honor, we’ll shove 40 ounces of bad beer down our throats. Hats off.

2. If Miami gets a foul called on them, take a shot.

There’s no telling whether or not this one will get put into play, but by the small chance that it happens, it’s worth a Dongaila shot or two. With the foul discrepancy favoring the Heat by 22 in four games, I wouldn’t hold my breath. Although if you do, that would probably make the shot more effective. Worth considering.

3. Do a kegstand each time Erik Spoelstra looks like a chipmunk

This is all the time. Have someone spot you for blood flow problems.

4. For each point the Heat outscore the Sixers in the 2nd quarter, drink.

A little-known fact in the NBA rulebook is that you’re not allowed to try in the second quarter. It’s in the back close to the glossary and the index, but it’s there. While Doug Collins and the Sixers have been following that rule to a T, Erik Spoelstra and his team of rule-breakers seem to be above such laws. I’ve protested with the league, but David Stern and company haven’t responded to my texts. Adam Silver texted me back, but that was about something different. We’re cool. Anyway, drink for their lawless ways.

5. If the Sixers win the series, rob your nearest convenient store and put as much alcohol in your system as you can before you pass out.

This one needs no explanation.

Go Sixers/Drinking!

I’M THINKING OF LOOKING INTO SCIENTOLOGY! THOUGHTS?

Just kidding…But now that I have your attention…

I’m tired and I have a headache, which means I can’t read.  So I just so happened to become an expert on available internet documentaries about Scientology.  (I have no idea why.)

The fairest documentary concerning the genesis and gospel of Scientology (see what I did there?) is from an A & E Investigative Report in 1998.

This was back in the days when A & E did a lot more reporting and a lot less chronicling of sad and/or crazy people and/or criminals and/or ghosts (Hoarders, Intervention, Heavy, Storage Wars, Manhunt, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Paranormal State, etc…)

It should be noted that the guy making most of the good points in favor of Scientology, Mike Rinder, recently defected from the group and now actively campaigns against them.  His defection, however, has more to do with a dislike of the head of the church, David Miscavige, then it does with the doctrine of Scientology. 

It seems Miscavige is a bit of a tyrant.  Who would have thought?  He seems so nice when he’s talking to Tom Cruise.

Of course, if you’d prefer a little less “wow that was really fair and insightful” and a little more “Holy Hell, what is with these psycho fanatic cult people!?!?!” you’d do well to check out this documentary from the BBC show Panorama.

Or I can just boil it all down for you.

The debate about Scientology is really a debate about tax dollars.  (What a surprise, right?)

Scientology declared itself a religion to gain national tax exemptions.  Governments want that money and so they have attempted to crucify L. Ron Hubbard (Oops, I did it again) and make his “religion” into either a psychological self-help course (which would be taxed) or an evil cult (which would cease to exist).

You see.  Governments don’t really care if you “fall victim” to brain-washing.  (After all, they do some of that themselves.)  They just want your money.

As for all those well-meaning, thetan-free, wide-eyed Hubbard devotes…they want your money too.  A LOT OF IT!

YOU HAVE TO PAY A TON TO “ADVANCE” IN THIS WACKY RELIGION.

This isn’t exactly the collection plate at Catholic Mass.  (Or as I used to call it, LUNCH MONEY! – Just kidding, God.)

Members of Scientology pay up to $250,000 to learn all about Lord Xenu and his gang of evil thetans.

As far as cash for services rendered, Scientology is right up there with Mormanism!  Or psychotherapy (interestingly, the “pseudo-science” it decries).

It’s expensive.  Although, as far as I know, no member of the religion of Scientology has been asked to pay with their life.  (I’m looking at you, Muslims.)

(And I’m also looking at Christianity, now that I think about it.  God really wasn’t in the mood to barter when Jesus was on that cross.)

It seems the Jews have the best track record when it comes to religious payments tendered.  Their God trapped a guy in a whale for awhile.  And faked Abraham into thinking he had to kill his son (OHHHH!  GOTCHA!).  And made his people wander in the desert for 40 years.  But no straight-up sacrifices.

PLUS!  Jews don’t need to take their member’s money because they already have everyone else’s!  (Just kidding.  Seriously.  Seriously kidding.)

OK.

Now that I’ve alienated everyone except for atheists (“Hey, atheists!  Why is there something instead of nothing?……still workin’ on that one, aren’t ya?”) and agnostics (“Pick a side, pansies.  No more waffling.  This is America.  It’s not some Montessori school where there are no “wrong answers”, the kids call each other by their Himalayan spirit name and paint by numbers is considered fascist.  Get in the game!)

Anyway, this whole tax drama would explain the, not one, but TWO BBC documentaries “investigating” Scientology just as the church was about to file for tax exemption.  And you can take my word for it, they are anything but fair and balanced.  Britain really needs a Fox News.  (If you’re new here, that’s a joke.)

All that being said, the organization of Scientology is clearly designed to make money.  You’d be hard pressed to find another religion which has actually filed a legal injunction in the United States claiming that the documents explaining their belief system are “trade secrets”.  That’s like comparing the Koran to the formula for Coca-Cola.

My verdict: Scientology should be taxed like any other incorporated organization.  Although some of the people that are violently anti-Scientology scare me more than the cult members.  I mean, church members.

Speaking of Muggsy Bogues…

Holy Shit.

Tom Cruise/Scientology “documentary”

I can’t quite put my finger on it but there is something so cynically French about this documentary.  Also, you may notice, about 75% of this thing is sheer conjecture.  Still, entertaining for what it is…

Obviously, he’s not the goalie

Real Madrid wins Spain’s Copa del Rey and goes out to celebrate.

vandalism or genius?