The Soak of the Year

When you look annoyed all the time people think you're busy.


Just kidding…But now that I have your attention…

I’m tired and I have a headache, which means I can’t read.  So I just so happened to become an expert on available internet documentaries about Scientology.  (I have no idea why.)

The fairest documentary concerning the genesis and gospel of Scientology (see what I did there?) is from an A & E Investigative Report in 1998.

This was back in the days when A & E did a lot more reporting and a lot less chronicling of sad and/or crazy people and/or criminals and/or ghosts (Hoarders, Intervention, Heavy, Storage Wars, Manhunt, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Paranormal State, etc…)

It should be noted that the guy making most of the good points in favor of Scientology, Mike Rinder, recently defected from the group and now actively campaigns against them.  His defection, however, has more to do with a dislike of the head of the church, David Miscavige, then it does with the doctrine of Scientology. 

It seems Miscavige is a bit of a tyrant.  Who would have thought?  He seems so nice when he’s talking to Tom Cruise.

Of course, if you’d prefer a little less “wow that was really fair and insightful” and a little more “Holy Hell, what is with these psycho fanatic cult people!?!?!” you’d do well to check out this documentary from the BBC show Panorama.

Or I can just boil it all down for you.

The debate about Scientology is really a debate about tax dollars.  (What a surprise, right?)

Scientology declared itself a religion to gain national tax exemptions.  Governments want that money and so they have attempted to crucify L. Ron Hubbard (Oops, I did it again) and make his “religion” into either a psychological self-help course (which would be taxed) or an evil cult (which would cease to exist).

You see.  Governments don’t really care if you “fall victim” to brain-washing.  (After all, they do some of that themselves.)  They just want your money.

As for all those well-meaning, thetan-free, wide-eyed Hubbard devotes…they want your money too.  A LOT OF IT!


This isn’t exactly the collection plate at Catholic Mass.  (Or as I used to call it, LUNCH MONEY! – Just kidding, God.)

Members of Scientology pay up to $250,000 to learn all about Lord Xenu and his gang of evil thetans.

As far as cash for services rendered, Scientology is right up there with Mormanism!  Or psychotherapy (interestingly, the “pseudo-science” it decries).

It’s expensive.  Although, as far as I know, no member of the religion of Scientology has been asked to pay with their life.  (I’m looking at you, Muslims.)

(And I’m also looking at Christianity, now that I think about it.  God really wasn’t in the mood to barter when Jesus was on that cross.)

It seems the Jews have the best track record when it comes to religious payments tendered.  Their God trapped a guy in a whale for awhile.  And faked Abraham into thinking he had to kill his son (OHHHH!  GOTCHA!).  And made his people wander in the desert for 40 years.  But no straight-up sacrifices.

PLUS!  Jews don’t need to take their member’s money because they already have everyone else’s!  (Just kidding.  Seriously.  Seriously kidding.)


Now that I’ve alienated everyone except for atheists (“Hey, atheists!  Why is there something instead of nothing?……still workin’ on that one, aren’t ya?”) and agnostics (“Pick a side, pansies.  No more waffling.  This is America.  It’s not some Montessori school where there are no “wrong answers”, the kids call each other by their Himalayan spirit name and paint by numbers is considered fascist.  Get in the game!)

Anyway, this whole tax drama would explain the, not one, but TWO BBC documentaries “investigating” Scientology just as the church was about to file for tax exemption.  And you can take my word for it, they are anything but fair and balanced.  Britain really needs a Fox News.  (If you’re new here, that’s a joke.)

All that being said, the organization of Scientology is clearly designed to make money.  You’d be hard pressed to find another religion which has actually filed a legal injunction in the United States claiming that the documents explaining their belief system are “trade secrets”.  That’s like comparing the Koran to the formula for Coca-Cola.

My verdict: Scientology should be taxed like any other incorporated organization.  Although some of the people that are violently anti-Scientology scare me more than the cult members.  I mean, church members.



  1. Jim B April 27, 2011 at 4:17 am

    Why is there something instead of nothing?
    I don’t know.
    That said, I think there is much more nothing than something in the universe when I consider the vast amounts of space between stars and planets. I might as well as why there isn’t more something to fill up all that nothing. Instead of all that extra nothing we’ve got laying around, taking up useful space and generally being a bore, why not have it be filled with soy pudding? Or bits of Lohan?
    Although last week I did talk to my buddy Higgs-Boson and he mentioned that he had an ongoing wager with Arthur the Paranoid Woodchuck about who could create the most intelligent beings. So far, the woodchuck is winning by three and a half.

  2. Some fellow April 27, 2011 at 12:41 pm

    So if Scientology is clearly designed to make money then they should be taxed. Of course the government doesn’t care about the fact that Scientology brainwashes people. Business gets away with all kinds of shit so long as they pay taxes and make jobs and cough up cash for re-election campaigns.

  3. Jim B April 27, 2011 at 2:34 pm

    Hooray! I have learned more and my view of the universe and how it works has been appropriately shifted. Thank you, Mr. Soak.

  4. Meghan H April 27, 2011 at 4:09 pm

    So just because you make money you should be taxed? What your really saying is your pissed that government is taking money away from you but not from them. Instead of being pissed that you are being robbed you want others to be robbed too. Maybe we should start cutting the hands off this theif instead of trying to find more victims for it …… (that’s what those good ole Muslims do right?) 🙂 And who cares what the crazies or not so crazies believe or don’t believe or spend their money on. As Thomas Jefferson said it neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.

  5. Some fellow April 27, 2011 at 8:25 pm

    @Meghan H – If you make enough money you should certainly be taxed. I’m not pissed at all that I pay (very little) taxes. In fact I don’t mind at all as the federal government supplies roads, national parks, embassies in which to take refuge, funding for the arts, money for research, et al. The CoS takes advantage of the aforementioned so they should be taxed as well.

    In addition, your “it neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg” approach to citizens being defrauded is as erroneous as it is callous. No point in worrying about something that doesn’t directly affect you, right? I won’t bother giving examples as to how dumb that quotation is.

    Finally you misspelled “thief” and didn’t even bother correcting it after you posted. Fail.

  6. thesoakoftheyear April 27, 2011 at 8:39 pm

    Umm…Steve. I think that’s my cousin. Haha.

    I hope this doesn’t turn nasty.

    It will be like the Louis C.K. pony thing.

    He’s looking up information about ponies biting people after his daughter is bitten and “just like everything else on the internet, it’s just people arguing.” Apparently, the thread from 3 different people said something like:

    “If a pony bites you, you just gotta punch it square in the mouth.”

    “You’re awful How dare you punch a pony! Someone should call animal services.”

    “People who don’t punch their ponies make me sick.”

    I tried just linking this from YouTube or something but all of the videos have been removed due to copyright infringement.

  7. Mole April 28, 2011 at 1:59 am

    Hahahahaha! The icing on the cake (aside from the classic interweb reply “you spell shit wrong”) was Toad’s revelation that this was a family member you were verbally scolding.

    On another note… TAX ALL RELIGIONS OR DON’T TAX ANYONE!!! Who decides what a religion is? Is football a religion? I watch a lot of it on Sunday (the lord’s day of course). The nice men who play it seem to help out the less fortunate in their spare time. They have a cathedral in Canton, Ohio (hall of fame). Sounds like a religion to me. Shit, you think Ochocinco has a lot of bling?! The pope makes that dude look about as stylish as Jake Czerwin on his way to a sweat pants party!

    Great post, keep it up nerds.

  8. foxmoldy April 29, 2011 at 9:09 pm

    Jake Czerwin taxes every ass at a sweat pants party. Catholics and Scientologists agree on that.

    • Some fellow April 29, 2011 at 10:16 pm

      The women of Dewey Beach agree as well. Asses in sweatpants stand no chance vs. JT Czerwin. There are two things in life that are guaranteed: death and Jake Czerwin taxing sweatpant ass.

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