The Soak of the Year

When you look annoyed all the time people think you're busy.

Hater’s Guide to the Time 100 Most Influential

Time recently published their list of 100 most influential people in the world. Arbitrary lists like this deserve arbitrary hate – and this blog is up to the task. See the list below and our quick dismissal of each person on it. Enjoy…

Wael Ghonim – some Google guy who helped Egypt get free. Actually he just created a Facebook group and got arrested.

Joseph Stiglitz – predicted a handful of economic shitstorms that went on to occur anyway. Obviously no one cares about his opinion or we would at least have avoided one of them.

Reed Hastings – created Netflix, a company that will disappear in a few years.

Amy Poehler – not many people actually watch this show and she’ll be forgotten soon.

Geoffrey Canada – it states that “Canada is driven by a deep belief that all children can succeed, regardless of race, wealth or ZIP code.” This guy is foolish, naive or both.

Mark Zuckerberg – he’s a douche (so says that movie) and Facebook is turning into a home of advertising and branding that people just use as a cheap version of Flickr that can post videos.

Peter Vesterbacka – he created Angry Birds. So he’s the Allan Alcorn of 2011. There’s a reason why you don’t know who Alcorn is. Hint: he’s inconsequential.

Angela Merkel – okay, she’s pretty influential. Except that her party lost in regional elections and her grand coalition isn’t all that effective.

Julian Assange – he’s going to jail soon, never to be seen again.

Ron Bruder – he educates a few thousand people in the Middle East each year. The rest do their learning in madrassas. Hopeless task.

Lamido Sanusi – Nigeria’s central banker. Countdown to corruption charges/allegations starts now…

Colin Firth – he’s an actor. Enough said.

Amy Chua – crazy Chinese parent. Mother of our future overlords.

Joe Biden – this guy has written yours truly a few letters. Obviously has nothing important to do if he can spend time doing that.

Jennifer Egan – a writer of fiction so she won’t be influential until she’s long dead.

Kim Clijsters – female tennis player that is good but not a sexpot, so she’s irrelevant.

Ahmed Shuja Pasha – head of Pakistan’s ISI (intel agency and the true power in the country). Marked for death by all kinds of different people/groups. Good luck with that, Ahmed.

Aung San Suu Kyi – democracy activist in Burma. Hopeless.

Cory Booker – mayor of Newark, NJ. Hopeless.

Gabrielle Giffords – probably a little soon to hate on her. Her time will come to be hated upon by TSOTY.

Katsunobu Sakurai – Japanese politician that (a) isn’t the scion of a powerful family and (b) isn’t the head of one of the conglomerates; ergo, has no power or influence.

Michelle Obama – people are too busy talking about her nice arms to listen to anything else about/from her.

Paul Ryan – no one is really taking his ideas seriously. Widow’s peak is too pronounced.

Ai Weiwei – Chinese artist who has “spoken out for victims of government abuses, calling for political reforms to better serve the people.” He’s got NO shot. Actually, he’s already in prison – lolz.

Rob Bell – American evangelical pastor. Countdown to corruption/gay secks allegations starts now…

Fathi Terbil – Libyan lawyer that showed bravery. He’ll be dead soon.

Dilma Rousseff – President of Brazil. Will soon suffer international humiliation with failures of Olympics and World Cup.

Tom Ford – apparently this guy is just a great friend. Thanks for wasting our time, Rita Wilson.

Liang Guanglie – head of China’s military and the father of our future overlords.

Sue Savage-Rumbaugh – homeless woman’s Jane Goodall.

Takeshi Kanno – foolish, brave and soon cancer-ridden Japanese aid worker.

Nicolas Sarkozy – he’s gonna be voted out soon.

Michele Bachmann – complete loon that is good for punchlines.

Saad Mohseni – he’s “the most influential media figure in Afghanistan,” so he’ll be dead soon.

Chris Christie – too fat.

Matthew Weiner – he’s a TV writer.

Lisa Jackson – runs the EPA so whatever she does will be undone by the next Republican president.

Jean-Claude Trichet – he’s going to retire this year. So he’ll soon lose all relevance. Probably eats frog legs.

Justin Bieber – Leif Garrett, Bay City Rollers, NKOTB, etc.

Prince William and Kate Middleton – they matter this week (to women) only until they die in some yacht accident off the coast of some place that only the disgustingly wealthy know about.

Joe Scarborough – can’t handle actually being in politics so he’s a shit talker on a network few watch.

Blake Lively – hot, young. Soon to be replaced and forgotten by the next hot, young thing.

Hillary Clinton – has real influence. Will be leaving her influential job soon.

Muqtada al-Sadr – influence in Iraq. So he has no real influence.

Anwar al-Awlaki – just another loon that hates America. Not even at the head of that long line. Fail.

Kim Jong Un – fatass in a land of the starving. What a jerk, yssssss.

Saif al-Islam Gaddafi – soon to be dead or exiled.

Hassan Nasrallah – he has influence. Until Israel decides to kill him.

Nathan Wolfe – he’s trying to find/stop the next super disease yet he almost died of malaria, a disease “as infected humans for over 50,000 years.” Perhaps you’ve overlooked a disease, chief.

Oprah Winfrey – hit her peak as a punchline in Austin Powers #1.

Sergio Marchionne – runs Fiat and Chrysler. Just resign now.

Mahendra Singh Dhoni – he plays cricket. No one really cares except subject of the former British Empire.

Felisa Wolfe-Simon – scientist famous for possibly spurious finding.

Esther Duflo – economist that’s trying to make the world a better place. Couldn’t be more bored with her.

Rain – fan’s choice so he must suck.

Larry Page – next Bill Gates. So we’ve seen this act before.

Mia Wasikowska – an actress, so why she’s on this list is beyond me.

David Cameron – Brits don’t really like him and he’ll be voted out when Labour finds someone that’s a little more than mediocre.

John Lasseter – entertains children which put him on par with stuffed animals and shiny things.

Maria Bashir – female prosecutor in Afghanistan. Countdown to her murder starts now…

Mukesh Ambani – Indian top businessman. Good for him.

Chris Colfer – actor on a weekly televised pop musical. About as uninfluential as they get.

Major General Margaret Woodward – military woman in a man’s world. Did you ever see GI Jane? Woodward’s not really like her at all but that movie sucked anyway.

Bruno Mars – talentless hack. Have you listened to the crap he creates? Makes my damn blood boil.

David and Charles Koch – filthy rich dicks. Plus they pronounce their name “coke” which is just unnecessary and probably something they do because they’re rich dicks.

Hung Huang – Chinese fashion mogul that was Mao’s English tutor. Obviously has all kinds of connections so she’s probably just an insider and talentless.

General David Petraeus – military boss running hopeless wars and will soon run the CIA which is, and has always been, a complete shambles organization of fools.

Matt Damon and Gary White – can’t even bother with this nitwit. Also I don’t know who Gary White is and can’t be bothered to read about him. Is he the new Ben Affleck or some shit?

Cecile Richards – runs Planned Parenthood. Target of hate for half of the country.

George R.R. Martin – writes stories for the 10-sided dice crowd. Obviously spending his time well.

Marine Le Pen – French right wing scion. Hates immigrants, global business, progress.

Grant Achatz – a cook?! Bahahahahaha!

Feisal Abdul Rauf – a religious moderate in a world of psychos and madmen. Good luck, buddy.

El Général – a Tunisian rapper. If you can read that and not laugh, I applaud you.

Jamie Dimon – Wall St. fatcat. Countdown to everyone hating him starts now…

Heidi Murkoff – wrote a book about pregnancy. Something we’ve been taking care of since the beginning of our species. Next she’s writing a book on how to breathe and sleep.

Sting – fey music. Should publicize his sexual exploits more as that’d get more respect.

Jonathan Franzen – writes one book every 10 years. Obviously lazy.

V.S. Ramachandran – he’s mapping the brain. Big whoop.

Michelle Rhee – she just got her boss fired and is trying to reform education. Hopeless task anyway.

Mark Wahlberg – should’ve stuck to music.

Rebecca Eaton – she runs PBS’ Masterpiece Theater. Laughable.

Xi Jinping – China’s next top dog. Probably hates freedom, individual thought and people. Great guy otherwise.

Kathy Giusti – funnels tons of cash to big Pharma.

Arianna Huffington – content recycler and slave laborer. Awful accent as well.

Barack Obama – birth certificate faker.

Lionel Messi – sucked at the World Cup.

Azim Premji – philanthropist and businessman. Probably corrupt.

Aruna Roy – fighting for change in India. Yay for her.

Ray Chambers – trying to cure malaria by passing out nets. Not exactly a genius.

Scott Rudin – helps write movies.

John Boehner – should go with ‘boner’ pronunciation. Also, name the Speaker of the House prior to Nancy Pelosi. Can’t? In fact, name another SOTH other than Gingrich. That’s because they’re not important and they serve to be the ringleaders in the circus of idiots that is the US House of Representatives.

Derrick Rossi – done some work with stem cells. Hasn’t actually done anything of substance.

Hu Shuli – Chinese investigative journalist. See Ai Weiwei.

Benjamin Netanyahu – right wing nut yahoo (see what I did there?) that stirs up trouble.

Ayman Mohyeldin – a journalist that has already had his moment.

Charles Chao – leads China’s version of Twitter. State-run nonsense.

Bineta Diop – female reformer/development person in Africa. Another hopeless case.

Dharma Master Cheng Yen – the Dalai Lama with a business. Seems like a paradox and I don’t like the sound it that.

Patti Smith – you’ve got to be kidding me. Top 5 ugliest people of all time.

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2 responses to “Hater’s Guide to the Time 100 Most Influential

  1. thesoakoftheyear April 28, 2011 at 4:14 pm

    THIS IS MY FAVORITE POST SO FAR!

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